March 28, 2024

Forget these last-minute Valentine’s heartbreakers

You forgot, didn’t you?

Today is Valentine’s Day and you’ve suddenly realized that your sweetheart may have nothing to show for it.

Now, last-minute gifts and plans aren’t uncommon.

Lots of men do it, and rapidly-approaching-deadline-induced panic can bring out the best in some.

Or they can explode in your face and ruin a perfectly good relationship.

We at Metro don’t want to see that happen, so we’ve compiled a list of surefire disasters that ooze of last-minute desperation.

Consider it a literal survival guide of sorts, and avoid these items at all costs.

The takeout picnic

You’ve been calling around local restaurants for hours and — surprise, surprise — can’t get a reservation to save your life.

Ordering takeout and taking your loved one to a grassy spot overlooking some spectacular vista may sound romantic in your head, but consider this: It’s winter, it’s dark and it’s probably going to rain. Giving your woman a cold while eating soggy sushi won’t save your sorry ass.

Skimping on skimpy

Lingerie. Now there’s a sexy Feb. 14 go-to that never fails. Better still, most department stores are trying to sell off their leftover naughty Santa skivvies at 90 per cent discounts.

Or you could always head to Costco and pick up a six-pack of panties. Win, win. Except for the fact that successfully buying lingerie for your loved one is an art form — an expensive one at that.

Do you know her size? Can you pick out the styles and fabrics that will make her feel like a million bucks?

If you haven’t thought it through already, just stop now. It’s too late.

DIY

Maybe you’re not the kind of boyfriend to go out and spend obscene amounts of money on your lady.

That’s fine. Valentine’s Day is nothing but a consumer trap anyway. You’re the creative type, and she’d much rather have something that comes from the heart.

Handmade gifts are great. Even the cheesy IOU cards can score if it’s obvious you’ve invested a lot of time into making them.

But it’s Feb. 14 and clearly you haven’t — an IOU on a Post-it note is not a decent substitute.

Freshen up

Everyone loves a person with a sense of humour, right?

When you’re all out of romantic ideas it’s easy to make the jump to a “funny” Valentine’s Day to lighten the mood and salvage the night. Would you care for some pre-makeout breath mints? How about some hot-cinnamon chewing gum? Hell, even throw in a car air freshener.

Just know that you’re not getting any back-seat action, because you’ve clearly gone Valentine’s Day shopping at the nearest gas station.

Video-store bargain

Did you forget to buy movie tickets for The Vow ahead of time?

Maybe you just don’t think butter-greased fingers and having popcorn stuck in your teeth is a recipe for love.

Snuggling up under a blanket with the lights down and a romantic movie may seem like a great idea. It’s not like you’ve made any dinner plans or anything. Actually … go with this one in a pinch.

It doesn’t sound half bad and you may just be able to swipe a The Notebook/The Time Traveler’s Wife DVD combo back for cheap if you hurry.

It might not be your cup of tea but, hey, it’s hard to have an awkward conversation when she’s sobbing all the way through the kiss.

Local news from metronews.ca/vancouver

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